The Arkanssouri Blog.
WARNING! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants!
Monday, February 28, 2005
60% Magnum, 40% Michael.
Sorry Michael, Arkanssouri readers prefer the fluffy wonderfulness of Thomas Magnum. You can always fall back on your singing career, though.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Note to Dr. Phil:
Being molested does not mean you will molest. You've spent the last two episodes acting as if it does, even before you knew the results of the lie detector test confirming your suspicions.
Note to Peter Jennings:
Awfully convenient of you to leave out the evidence supporting a crash at Roswell so that you could claim there WAS no evidence. Ask your buddy Bryant Gumbel about the enhanced photo of the memo and the unidentified material recovered at the site in the Sci-Fi investigation.
On today's Ananova, Quirkies at a glance.
World's most expensive teabag made
American Idol's plastic contestants
Children marry dogs
Good for the gooser, good for the goosed.
Some people wonder why I use such terms as "boyfriend-equivalent" when referring to a man's girlfriend, or "her wife" when referring to a woman's husband.
It's an attempt to hold the heterosexual community to the same standard that it holds the gay community. Too often the straight community tries to set it's own standards as the "default." Why do erectile dysfunction commercials (and almost every other commercial featuring a couple) always feature m/f couples and never m/m couples? Why do telemarketers ask to speak to my wife?
Straight people, intentionally or not, say things like "Which one's the woman?" (Answer: Neither, they're both men. Duh!) and "They're gay together." Would they say "They're black together," or "They're Christian together," or "They're heterosexual together?" I doubt it.
I see it as an attempt to assert that straightdom is the CORRECT state of being. Which would mean, by definition, that there's something wrong with homosexuality. And there's not.
So I hold the straights to the same absurd assumptions that they hold me to.
And as for why that seems to always fall on poor Miss Callie (Maybe I should start calling her "Mister Callie"?), I know Kevin and Callie won't get offended because they both already know I am a goofball, and that it is a statement on the attitude of the straight community, not on Kevin or Callie. They are my friends, and right now they are my only friends that are in a boyfriend-equivalent/girlfriend-equivalent relationship where I'm reasonably familiar with both people.
Mr. Tyra is chronically single. Mr. Rhodemyre is married, but he and I don't really talk a lot. We just check in on each other every few months. Mr. Hanna, from what I gather, is married, but I don't know anything about his husband-equivalent, so I have nothing to write about her. So that leaves Miss Kevin and Mister Callie.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
If I had written the headline for this,
"Tsunami Photos Found"
Nope, no agenda there, is there?
This cropped photo appeared in today's USA TODAY, the paper that on the same day in 1992 ran small, dark, dour pictures of GHW Bush & Ross Perot and a big, smiling picture of Bill Clinton against a beatiful backdrop of fall leaves.
Is it any wonder I refer to the paper as the Glorified Coloring Book?
Hat tip to Drudge.
D'oh! Stupid EYES!
Who knew Homer Simpson was a Buddhist monk?
Giant Manure Fire.
Tiger, not lion.
The big cat prowling near the Reagan Library has been killed. Turns out it was a tiger, despite eyewitnesses who identified it as a lion.
Unless . . . there's more than one.
Gummint Cheese #39
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Oh, come on, Russell!
We'll show you ours if you'll show us yours.
No camping in Cali.
Lion seen near Reagan Library.
I hope someone's warned Nancy.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Arkanssouri voters united on Miles O'Brien.
Star Trek Guy, not CNN Space Geek.
For the man who has everything . . .
. . . musical condoms!
Hope for Gary Coleman.
And what are you doing with YOUR life?
You gotta dream.
And this man dreamed of blowing up balloons with his ears.
Now THAT's productive!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Happy Birthday, Richard Karn.
Even before I knew about bears, I wanted me a big old piece of Al Borland!
According to the New Sex Institute, the Most Sexually Adventurous State in America is...
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif., Feb. 7 /PRNewswire/ -- According to a 5-year study released today by the New Sex Institute of Beverly Hills, California (http://www.NewSex. org) the Top 10 list ranking the most sexually adventurous states in America is:
4. New York
New Sex Institute Founder Clint Arthur explains the study's methodology: "We have provided information about New Sex techniques over the Internet since 1999, so we took the total number of orders for each state and factored in the population to arrive at a Sexual Adventurousness Quotient (S.A.Q.). The Show Me State came out on top -- which makes perfect sense when you consider our best-selling DVD 'New Sex Now' shows you exactly how to have the New Sex Experience."
For more information contact: 1-866-661-LOVE or visit http://www.NewSex. org.
SANFORD, Fla. - There's no tiptoeing around the problem. Call it flatulent footwear.
Customers complained that with every step, their shoes made the sound of someone passing gas.
"They were whoopie cushions for the feet," said Bryan Thomas, an officer with shoe maker Goosebumps Products Inc.
The Orlando-area company on Wednesday sued a supplier, accusing it of delivering the wrong chemical for an insole gel, giving the shoes an unwanted sound effect.
"It very nearly put us out of business," Thomas said.
Goosebumps' largest distributor complained as well, and the company tossed at least 35,000 pairs at a cost of $200,000 to $250,000, said attorneys Robert W. Anthony and William H. Beaver II.
The suit claims Bell Chem Corp. of Longwood delivered a low-grade glycerin that was watered down in late 2002 and early 2003. That caused air bubbles to form inside the insoles, it said.
When people step down on them, the inserts produce "a flatulence-like noise," according to a report by a Goosebumps' chemist, Richard Cavestri.
Bell Chem President John Cervo said the dispute was a matter between his insurance company and Goosebumps.
When googling that 800 number, I ran across this :
For four months we had several mailto links on our site. When you clicked on one
of the "Make Contact" buttons, it called up a pre-addressed e-mail window making
it easy and convenient for interested people to write to us. We later discovered
that SPAMMERS have software that searches the internet for mailto links, and
then distributes these addresses widely to other SPAMMERS. After four months we
were getting hundreds of SPAMS each day. We started using Outlook's Junk Senders
List to automatically delete SPAM e-mail. It turns out that only 30-50 SPAMS
daily are from repeat addresses. The majority are from new addresses not yet on
the junk senders list. It was now taking several minutes daily to add new
SPAMMERS addresses to the junk senders list, and then delete the SPAM. Now the
junk senders list has many hundreds of addresses, and this is slowing down the
downloading of e-mail. Then we found out that Microsoft Outlook only checks the
first several letters of addresses to identify SPAM. This means that when
legitimate e-mail starts with the same characters as SPAM addresses on the junk
senders list, it is being automatically deleted also. Why Microsoft would make
outlook check only the first few characters instead of checking the whole
address for an exact match is beyond comprehension. (But then so is the
unreliability and vulnerability of the Windows operating system). We were forced
to remove all the mailto links from the site. This didn't help reduce SPAM. We
were forced to change our address. This of course wastes lots of time and
energy, especially telling important contacts about the change.
This gave us
an idea for attacking SPAMMERS. What if we have mailto links on our site
addressed to SPAMMERS ? This should result in hundreds of SPAMS being sent to
SPAMMERS by SPAMMERS. The idea is that, even if SPAMMERS don't actually receive
the SPAM because they use fictitious addresses, it will clog up their domains
and service providers to the point that they will have to be shut down, or at
least cause the sending of SPAM to be slowed down. This will also cause the
sending SPAMMERS to receive huge amounts of non-existing address notices,
further jamming up their domains. We hate to do anything that might slow down
the internet, but since the SPAMMERS are attacking us already, and since no one
is doing anything about this problem, it is our only recourse. War IS War !
Reminds me of something I used to do in the pre-blog times, when I had lots of time to waste online. I'd pick one or two of the most egregious spammers and forward all my spam to them. In fact, one of my email accounts' address book is still clogged with lots of addresses under the name "SPAM."
Don't know that it accomplished a lot, but it felt damn good.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Power outage yesterday.
Made me miss Mucha Lucha Gigante and both episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh! on the WB. (Cable company finally wised up and replaced the awful PAX with the WB a few weeks ago.)
Dug out the C-batteries and listened to the radio instead. They said a power line had burned in two.
I wonder if a Halloween balloon* had anything to do with it.
* - 'Halloween' is what my heterosexual friend Kevin sometimes calls Valentines Day, apparently in disdain for the holiday, despite the fact that he currently has a heterosexual lover.
And people were shocked when I refused to knuckle under to Thayer students' fundraising, telling the brat "You little monsters are already costing me over three hundred bucks a year in property taxes. If I didn't have to pay that, I could afford to buy your candy bars."
They also don't understand why I always root for the team playing AGAINST Thayer. It's simple -- the other team isn't costing me as much money.
I tip my chapeau to Kippy.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The next time you're rolling your Zig-Zags,
Just reading this makes my arteries clog.
The Hamdog, breakfast of champions.
Champions that will be dead by lunchtime, that is.
Excuse me, I'm going to go eat fried pork skin now.
But don't they go together?
Another reason not to drink that South African beer.
They fired a guy for drinking Bud Light when not at work.
Interesting that instead of choosing to improve their own product so that the worker would CHOOSE to drink it over Bud Light, they fired him instead.
Those ads keep saying Miller Lite has more flavor than Bud Light.
Keep that in mind.
Then ask yourself, would horse piss not have more flavor than tap water?
Would toxic waste not have more flavor than Evian?
More does not necessarily equal better.
And oh yeah, Rusty Wallace is an a-hole.
Here's a little something for that cross-dressing fisherman on your Christmas list.
I'm thinking his drag name is "Uncle Mary Largemouth."
Monday, February 14, 2005
Pink: 3 Parts Studmuffin, 2 parts not.
Results are in. Pink is a studmuffin.
New poll up today. And it's not all studmuffiny.
Happy Giant-Flower-And-Greeting-Card-Companies Playing On Your Emotions Day!
And to our loyal readers in Bulgaria, happy Trifon Zarezan (Wine-grower's Day). One needs all the wine one can get to deal with idiotic holidays like Valentine's Day.
But just to show I'm not all bitterness and resentment, the softy in me offers you this little V-Day image.
I've been getting a lot of hang-up calls lately, and it's always from one of two 800 numbers, the above one and another.
When I dial this number to find out what the f*ck they want, I get one of those fast busy signal type things.
So I try the "one number off" approach. 1-800-362-0795 is apparently an ambulance-chasing law firm called Best & Anderson, or some name that sounds similar to that.
1-800-362-0797 cannot be reached from my calling area.
It happened last night, only they didn't hang up. My mother answered the phone and they asked for me. When she asked who she could say was calling, the woman said "Selena." My mom said to hold on, she'd see if I could come to the phone.
And the caller hung up.
This morning, I googled the number and found a few messages. Apparently it's from one of the free magazine services. Thing is, I don't think I've ever given them my number. I've always said I don't have a phone, which is technically true. It's in my mother's name, not mine.
I am not a happy camper.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Okay, so maybe I AM a little dense...
In 2000 I buy this used 1995 Escort Station Wagon, right? No owner's manual comes with it. I really like this car, except for one thing.
The radio has no tuning knob. To get a station, you have to use the SEEK function, and the SEEK function only picks up strong signals.
This would work great in a city, but out here in the wastelands, you need to be able to manually tune a radio so you can pick up far-away stations.
So, to lock into a preset, say THE MAX 93.1 FM out of Batesville, I had to wait until I was somewhere where the SEEK function would pick up the signal.
And whenever I disconnected the battery to work on the car, the presets would erase and I'd have to start all over again.
This morning, fumbling around in the dark trying to find the right preset, I accidentally hit the AMS button.
AMS is used on cassettes to search for the blank space in between songs so you don't have to listen to a crappy song to get to the next one.
But I didn't have a cassette in at the time.
The digital display came up with a message that says "TUNE."
It had the capacity to be manually tuned all along. And it only took me five years to figure this out.
And to think, I used to be a National Merit Scholar.
And now for something completely ridiculous.
Smurf Name Generator here.
George Bush is "Naughty Smurf."
George W. Bush is "New-and-Improved Smurf."
Laura Bush is "Stoner Smurf."
Bill Clinton is "Pimpin' Smurf."
Hillary Clinton is "Colicky Smurf."
and saddest of all, Barbara Bush is "Chesty Smurf."
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I have a suggestion.
If I were them, I'd name the kid "Fuck Ebay."
Maybe I'm a little dense . . .
. . . but if he was doing it under his robe, and nobody saw his genitals, how can it be indecent exposure?
Remove him from the bench, yeah. And charge him for criminal mischief or something like that, but don't trump up a charge that you know isn't what happened.
Got a letter yesterday saying I am in the jury pool until Mar. 31, and if I'm on a jury at the end of that time, I stay on it until the trial's over.
Note to self:
No shaving until April 1.
Shampoo only; no conditioner, no product.
Try to hunt up The Christmas Shirt and the Outright Libertarians shirt.
Look for patchouli oil to wear as cologne.
I've been on two juries - one criminal, one civil.
On the criminal one, I wound up sending a guy to prison for four years on what was a case of entrapment in reality but not in the eyes of the law. I wanted to give him time served, but there were bastards on the jury who wanted to send him away for ten years.
I wonder what St. Ayn had to say about juror nullification.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
A post on Knappster got me off on a tangent totally unrelated to the post.
About third grade, my G&T teacher taught me this thing called chisenbop. It's this weird Asian counting system that lets you count up to 99 on your fingers.
I mastered addition and subtraction using this method, but I don't think we ever got to multiplication and division. And I don't know if using your toes could up the total to 9999.
If that's the case, there IS one other appendage that could be thrown into the mix, but since there's only one of it (or, in rare cases, two)instead of five, the total would only up to 19999, if only it would toggle on & off on command.
Does anyone else know about chisenbop? And did they find it as unuseful as I did?
The odd place where one of my arguments meets reality.
To counter those who gripe about how much space exploration costs, I've often used the following argument:
Other person: "I can't believe they spent all that money to take pictures
Me: "You'd change your mind if those pictures showed diamonds as big as
Turns out such a scenario may not be that far divergent from reality.
If it's a choice,
then how is it that there are gay penguins? Do animals have the capacity to choose?
Just like the straights. Always trying to "recruit" individuals to their side.
The love that dare not squeak it's name.
Gummint Cheese #36.
Monday, February 07, 2005
You filthy, filthy people.
One is a blog about Texas music, Houston area politics, going on float trips, etc.
The other is about husky puppies and burning down hotels.
In the New World Order, apparently these are pornographic subjects.
I bet Michael Powell had a hand in this.
I've been outvoted. Arkanssouri poll respondents, by a four-to-one margin, think you're not a studmuffin.
New poll up today.