Top 10 ways to crash those lame-ass fake-Halloween "Come As Your Favorite Biblical Character" "Fall Festival" parties...

1. Gather up a bunch of your gay friends. Two of them tongue-kiss and grope each other's crotches all night. They are David and Jonathan. The rest go as the City of Sodom.

2. Get with six of your friends and go as the Seven Deadly Sins. I suggest you call dibs on Lust, Gluttony, or Wrath.

3. Onan! Onan! Onan! Go be Onan in the punchbowl.

4. Whore of Babylon.

5. Solomon -- cut any unattended babies in half.

6. Noah, after the flood -- get so drunk you pass out and engage in incest with your two daughters. I suggest getting the Olsen twins to play the "daughters" part. Or was that Lot?

7. Be Cain. Smite random people, because they, unknown to them, are Abel.

8. The Serpent of Eden. Implore and manipulate women into tasting your fruit.

9. Judas. Dress in leather biker clothes and sing "Turbo Lover."

10. Could it be ... Satan? Get thee behind all the people dressed as Jesus. Tempt them with food and water. Lead a revolution against God. Get cast out of the party, shouting "I'd rather reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." Or, rather, reign in the parking lot than serve in the gymnasium.