Dieting vicariously through television.

When I’m rushing on my run

And I feel just like jesus’ son

And I guess that I just don’t know

And I guess that I just don’t know

I have made the big decision.

- Heroin, by Velvet Underground.

What does it mean that when I watch a weight-loss show such as Celebrity Fit Club or The Biggest Loser, I have to go on a carb binge?

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I am a (self-diagnosed) food addict. I have been on a food bender for weeks now, set off when I went to renew my license and the clerk, without weighing me or asking my weight, put the weight on my license at 350 lbs. I have to walk around for six years now with a little card in my wallet saying I weigh 350 pounds.

She upped the weight that was on my old license by about 50 pounds. Bitch.

A normal person would look at that number and decide to show the bitch by losing all the extra weight. But that's not how it works with me.

For some reason, and I don't know why, when people point out that I am fat, I want to . . . no, not 'want' . . . I have to gorge myself on carbs. And once I take that first hit of sugar, that's all she wrote; I'm done for.

So it's been for weeks -- I can't eat just a handful of potato chips; I have to eat all of them. I can't eat a package of Ho-Ho's; I have to eat a box of them. And don't even ask about the ramen noodles.

And all the while, I'm watching TV shows trying to figure out how to get this under control. But I can't watch them without them setting me off further.

How does one detox from a substance they'll die without?