Let them wipe with cake.

Walkersville, Maryland, Town Queen Manager Gloria Long Dong Silver Rollins assumes the anti-personal hygiene position and removes the toilet paper from all the city's parks.

Toilet paper, it seems, is combustible. And vandals, it seems, have discovered this fact.

Last week, vandals set some paper on fire in a men's bathroom at the Walkersville Community Park.

But if someone is intent on torching asswipe in the park restrooms, what is stopping them from bringing their own? Is there going to be a Wiping Observer (perhaps from the UN) stationed in each stall to make sure any toilet paper brought into the restroom is used for it's intended purpose?

I suggest in lieu of a NO ASSWIPE FOR YOU policy, the town should install coin-operated toilet paper vending machines. If the consumer has to pay for his asswipe, he is less likely to waste it.

Or maybe put toilet paper in the restrooms that has been treated with some flame-retardant material, such as asbestos. (Then buy stock in pharmaceutical companies that make drugs to fight rectal cancer.)

Or, you could always go the easy route and install bidets.