Why lawnmowing should be banned.

As you may or may not know, my pledge thingie failed. The one where if I got a certain number of fellow pledgers (1000? 10000?) by July 4, we'd quit mowing our lawns until the price of gas fell below $2.50 a gallon.

I got two fellow pledgers.

Anyway, I was out mowing the yard with the Fuck You Ragheads Machine yesterday.

I wore a stunning ensemble of a black tee, old floppy black shorts, and an old pair of loafers.

I also sucked on a cigarette. Cigarettes make you cool, sexy, and popular.

At one point, the "cherry" fell out of my cigarette and into the top of my shoe, under the tongue.

By the time I got the shoe off, a big, painful blister had formed. Blisters are second-degree burns, I think.

I rushed in and slathered it with neosporin and put a bandage on it.

Maybe it won't become infected and gangrenous and have to be amputated.

An amputated foot is not very cool and sexy. I don't know about popular.

If they amputated my foot, I'd be hopping mad.

I hate grass. Why does it have to, you know, grow so much?

Write your congressman.