A Douchebag Masquerading As A Ho-Tard.
It's Black Friday, 4:55 AM. I am standing in line waiting for the local Wally World to open. The line stretches halfway across the parking lot, and I am toward the end.
And it's cold as hell.
The doors open and the crowd begins to make it's way into the store.
People step out of their heated cars and politely make their way to the back of the line.
Except for one middle-aged bitch and her twenty-something daughter, who go directly up to the door and push their way in.
Surely she's not stupid enough to not understand the concept of a line. But that's how she's acting.
She'd rather be regarded as incredibly stupid than as what she really is.
It starts with "c" and rhymes with "blunt."
But deep inside she knows. And she knows that WE know.
And every morning when she looks in the mirror, she doesn't see the Ho-Tard that she WANTS to see. She sees the Douchebag that she IS.
I used to hope such people would die.
I even left one particularly douchey woman a note on her car one holiday season when she muscled her car in front of mine to get into a parking row first so she could nab a particularly good parking spot. It was a different Wal-Mart in a different holiday season.
I had to park further out, and scribbled a note before leaving my car.
As I walked past her car, I left it under her wiper blades.
It said, "I hope you DIE this holiday season, you parking-spot stealing BITCH!!!"
More mature now, I realize she could pretend to interpret that as a threat, not a hope. And the police could pretend to believe her. And while I would ultimately convince a jury that it is what it says it is-- a hope, not a threat, it would cause me a lot of headache until then.
So I don't hope they die any more.
I hope for things that I have no power to directly cause.
I hope THIS season's douchebag, for instance, gets Twat Cancer and diarrhea so explosive she blows all her intestines out of her anus.
And her daughter gets an eating disorder and has to eat them.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the very FIRST female Arkanssouri Douchebag of the Month nominee. She shall be nominated under the name "Inconsiderate, unidentified c*nt at Wal-Mart."