I think I'll pass.

Stumped about what to give that special someone this Christmas? How about
some rhino poop?

Ummmm . . . It's the thought that counts?

Why is that man petting an artificial cat?

And where did the mom get her spooky mind powers to move the mouse and click without moving her hand?

I bet his va-jay-jay's sore.

‘Father of aerobics’ gives birth to town.

Now what the hell kind of headline is that? Is the New York Times News Service hiring people straight out of the Missouri State University Journalism Department (which, by the way, produces headline writers that think that art can feel)?

A whole town? Does that include the buildings and infrastructure, or just the population?

Either way, I bet his va-jay-jay's all stretched out and droopy.

UPDATE: See also, the tale of a family being horrified about the impending death of a swallowed toy.

I hate it when that happens.

Some days these things just write themselves.

A dentist was dancing to a song on the radio while drilling on a woman's tooth, and she wound up in the hospital when the drill bit snapped off and lodged near her eye, a lawsuit alleges.

That's even worse than that time Henrietta Pussycat and Adlai Stevenson wanted to make a mansuit out of my pelt!

Bolivar: It's not the THROWING of the eggs that's bad . . .

. . . it's the BUYING them.

Same ol' Substandard.

Who puts an "I AM NOT SPAM" checkbox at the end of their comment form?

I am NOT spam, but if I WAS, I would have no moral problem with checking the box anyway.

Lying does not upset the delicate conscience of spam.

And if spam can get past the CAPTCHA check, it can probably get past the "I AM NOT SPAM" checkbox.

Back in the day . . .

. . . these abnorms would have garnered a segment on Real People, alongside the Banana-Shaped-Universe proponents.

Put down the Stephen King novel and go to bed.

Someone's been reading Dreamcatcher late at night.

Or maybe watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

[H/T 2 memeorandum.]

Were they playing lacrosse without a license?

Gotta love Boston headline writers:

Former prosecutor in Duke lacrosse case begins 1-day sentence

I am Smell Your Fear*. And your breath.

From a Reason post on source code for breathalyzer machines being forcibly made public:

Manufacturers of the devices have been refuses for years to turn over source code, saying it's proprietary.

Have been refuses?

I know it's just a typo and in the larger sense of things, inconsequential to the orderly functioning of the universe.

But such things amuze me.

* - The headline is a reference to the 1987 Presidential Precollege Program at then-SMSU. After a trip to see, of all things, ISHTAR, this was a favorite catchphrase of several budding geniuses. Or is that "geniui"?

It's not my fault; it's the poop's!

Minnesota bridge collapse blamed in part on pigeon poop.

Nat Taggart would have forseen the probability of pigeons pooping on his bridge and taken appropriate measures to keep it from being a problem.

Blame It On The Poop
by Milli Vanilli

You said you didn't need her
You told her good-bye (good-bye)
You sacrificed a good love
To satisfy your pride
Now you wished
That you should have her (have her)
And you feel like such a fool
You let her walk away
Now it just don't feel the same
Gotta blame it on something
Gotta blame it on something

Blame it on the poop (poop)
Blame it on the stars (stars)
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the poop yeah yeah
You can blame it on the poop
Get
Ooh, ooh (ooh)
I can't, I can't. I can't, can't stand the poop
I can't, I can't. I can't, can't stand the poop
Yeah, yeah
Should've told her you were sorry (sorry) huh
Could have said you were wrong
But no you couldn't do that. No, no
You had to prove you were strong ooh
If you hadn't been so blinded (blinded)
She might still be there with you
You want her back again
But she just don't feel the same
Gotta blame it on something
Gotta blame it on something

Blame it on the poop that was falling, falling
Blame it on the stars that did shine at night
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the poop yeah yeah

You can blame it on the poop
Cos the poop don't mind
And the poop don't care
You got to blame it on something
(Blame it on the poop)
(Blame it on the stars)
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the poop yeah, yeah
You can blame it on the poop
Girl

Ooh, ooh (ooh)
Girl
I can't, I can't. I can't, can't stand the poop
I can't, I can't. I can't, can't stand the poop

Get
Girl
(Whatever you do...)
(Blame it on the poop yeah, yeah) x 3
You can blame it on the poop, blame it on the poop,
blame it on the poop baby
(Blame it on the poop yeah yeah)
Blame it on the stars that did shine that night
(Blame it on the poop yeah yeah)
Blame it, blame it on the poop
woo
I'm walking
I'm walking

Walking in the poop
Walking in the poop

(Poop, poop)
(Stars, stars)
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
(Blame it on the poop)
yeah yeah
(Blame it on the poop)
that keeps falling, falling
(Blame it on the stars)
that did shine that night
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the poop yeah yeah
Blame it on the poop (poop, poop )

I wonder if he was wearing one of those pointy hats.

Priest Accused of Jogging Naked.

That's almost as bizarre as the debate during that time I was running for mayor of Fire Island against Peter Griffin.

Hello Felon!

But what do the lawbreakers who are FANS of "Hello Kitty" wear?

This is more absurd than that time when Beat Kernan worked at Blockbuster.

They needed a study to tell them this?

Why do people have sex?

It feels good.

No shit, Sherlock.

College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex - they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Look for upcoming studies on Why Water Is Wet (Answer: It's made of water) and Why Pain Hurts (Answer: It's made of pain.)

Isn't a bonfire during the day kind of pointless?

Washington County Committee considers ban on late-night bonfires.

He's more deader now.

From Examiner.com:

The U.S. command in Baghdad this week ballyhooed the killing of a key al Qaeda leader but later admitted that the military had declared him dead a year ago.

They killed him twice? His name didn't happen to be Lazarus, did it?

[H/T 2 RogueGovernment.]

In his defense . . .

. . . his bicycle was a tease, after all.

A hot tease, at that; leading him on and all.

Huffysexuals of the world, stand up for your rights!

[H/T 2 oddnews.]

Not so "Heee heee" now, is he?

" Stop poking me or I'll jump! I swear to Gawd I will!!! I'll splatter all over your sidewalk!"

Dutch: No smoking pot in the pot-smoking shops!

A Dutch smoking ban will come into force in July next year for all restaurants and cafes -- including coffee shops where cannabis is the top attraction, the government decided on Friday.

"Coffee shops will be treated in the same manner as other catering businesses. They will be smoke-free," Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende told NOS television.

"It would have been wrong to move towards a smoke-free catering industry and then make an exception for coffee shops. People would not have understood that."

Attack of the Islamic Tomatoes!

Uzma Khalid, 19, spotted what looked like Arabic writing on a segment of a tomato which she chopped in half last week.

On closer inspection she discovered the writing mirrored the word 'Allah' - written in Arabic.

She said: "I just chopped the tomato in half and thought I saw the word Allah in it.

"I thought, 'OK that's a bit weird', so I showed it to my mum and she said it definitely says Allah."

Her sister Saima, 22, said the family felt blessed by what happened and even took the tomato to be verified by a local Imam.

She added: "We believe it is a way of Allah showing he exists..."

And apparently he exists inside a tomato.

[H/T 2 oddnews.]