The Arkanssouri Blog.
WARNING! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Get your alibi in order, Teddy.
Am I going to die?
Not really in any shape to blog today, but I've got a feeling it'll be worse tomorrow, and it IS Arkanssouri's blogiversary, after all.
I have two health issues at the moment -- one is a respiratory problem that also causes me to run a fever.
The other is some sort of infection on my lower left gum that has caused painful swelling. When I touch it, it feels like a pus-filled blister, but I know from the one time this has happened before, lancing it won't help. It won't even cause any pus to come out.
That time it was caused by the overuse of Red Cross Toothache Medicine. The more I put on it to kill the pain, the bigger the swelling got and only made it worse, although it did temporarily relieve the pain.
This time I'm thinking I've overdosed on Excedrin. For two weeks or so now, I've been treating toothaches with a couple of Excedrin several times a day, and a similar dosage of Evan Williams.
I'm switching to Aleve and seeing if the swelling goes down.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Yes, Mr. Hanna, you guessed right.
Originally uploaded by mylakent.
Gummint Cheese #46
Johnnie Cochran dead.
Blogger is shit sometimes.
Jerry Falwell hospitalized with undisclosed illness. AIDS-Related-Pneumonia? Peritonitis? Roaring Diarrhea? Rampant hemorrhoids from too much backdoor action?
Boy Scouts -- gay pedophiles accepted. Normal gay people forbidden.
Professional Meddler Jesse Jackson has wormed his way into both the Michael Jackson mess and the Terri Schiavo mess this week. What, no praying for the aftershock victims? No rushing to the side of His Ailing Popeness? Ah, well. The week's still young. This guy and Gloria Allred should get married.
Tomorrow is Arkanssouri's first Blogiversary. When I started this, I expected MAYBE a thousand hits in the first year, and we have close to eight times that. Maybe OVER eight times that, since I didn't put a hit counter in until later. Year One was a resounding success.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Top 5 most overused words by Libertarians.
Liberty for Sale lists words we Libertarians shouldn't use so much.
Among them is this:
4. Tyranny. Voters think you are trying to say “Tranny”, as in “My tranny in my truck done gave out” and are laughing at your libertarian accent behind your back.
Or as in "Danny Partridge beat up a tranny hooker."
In my brief stint at college, I noticed a lot of the twinks wore Crowded House t-shirts. Now it seems the drummer for Crowded House and Split Enz has pulled a Michael Hutchence.
Keep Fluffy INSIDE, you betcha!
In Wisconsin, they're considering open season on cats!
Defining Terror Down.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Hit & Run Catches Up to Arkanssouri.
Hope you all had a Festive Fertility Festival.
Annoying family obs have kept me from posting recently.
That, and I really don't want to wade into the morbid and tacky fascination the media has with Terri Schiavo, and that's almost all that's been on the news lately. Vultures.
I suppose I COULD comment on how constipated the Pope looks.
Wait. That's not right. Things are NEVER normal here in Arkanssouri.
Things should be back to abnormal tomorrow.
P.S. Look! LOOK! I learned how to do a strikethrough! Aren't you proud of me?
Friday, March 25, 2005
Chupacabra In London.
Artist hangs own works in museums.
I will not confirm or deny that an associate of mine may or may not have done a similar thing, printing up parody class descriptions and hanging them on college bulletin boards. Allegedly.
Going off the rails on the crazy train.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Return of the "Pictures of Carl Edwards Shirtless" Guy.
Penn & Teller: Bullshit!
Great show on Bullshit! last night, on the topic of second-hand smoke. May have been a rerun. Check your TV Guides, folks. If it comes up again, you want to see this one.
What has changed?
With Jonesboro and Columbine, the media couldn't show us enough pictures and breathy, wall-to-wall coverage.
Yesterday, it happened again.
The body count was higher than Jonesboro, and almost as high as Columbine.
And it barely registered a crawl across the bottom of the screen or a "top-of-the-hour" one-minute news alert blurb.
What has changed?
Is it because we have a different administration in Washington?
Or is it because Native American kids being killed is not worth spending as much valuable airtime on as Pretty White Kids being killed?
Or have we become so cynical that such things are no longer news?
Last Xmas season . . .
Why didn't they clone it while they were at it and put a spare one on his forehead?
Man grows arm-penis.
I'm wondering if the Tommy Lee Jones character in MIB was right about the tabloids being the best barometer of reality.
Monday, March 21, 2005
While you were paying attention to Terri Schiavo . . .
Texas law allows hospitals to discontinue life-sustaining care, even if a patient's family members disagree.
It's one thing for the government to allow the overruling of a family's wishes by keeping a person alive. It's another thing entirely to overrule a family's wishes by KILLING THEIR BABY.
If the courts ultimately determine that Terri Schiavo should be allowed to die, that process can happen at that time if she is kept alive until then.
If the courts ultimately determine that this baby should be allowed to live, it can't be brought back from the dead.
There is no successful appeal to an already executed death sentence.
And, oh yes, let us not forget that it was our self-described "culture of life" President that signed this process into law while he was governor of Texas.
Photo of Sammy Sosa In The Act of Using Performance Enhancers!
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Some days I'm not so butch.
Alberto VO5 Blueberries & Cream.
Great stuff. A little froo-froo for some people, but those people are just wrong.
I want one!
Man, when I was a kid, all the toys we had were a stick and a piece of string, unless you were a rich kid, in which case you also got a rock.
Why couldn't we have had cool shit like this in my day?
[Update:] What a difference a 'k' makes. That's PEEK-n-Play Eeyore, although, I'm sure there are some lifestyles that would be interested in Pee-n-Play Eeyore.
D'oh! STUPID fingers!
But I thought the naked body was sinful.
Men are resourceful.
Let's see some chick come up with anything remotely like this.
I'm guessing the best she'd do is a tampon macrame plant holder.
Dude . . .
. . . your balls SMELL!!!
Friday, March 18, 2005
Murder, infanticide as entertainment.
I can see OJ. And I can see Robert Blake. And I can definitely see Michael and Kobe.
And if I squint my eyes hard enough, I can even make out the blurry image of JonBenet, thanks to her being in all those beauty pageants.
But WHY ON EARTH is the murder of Laci and Connor Peterson being reported on E! ?
Reader reviews of my "awful" porn stories.
"These stories are great." - slipperybear, 7 Jan 04.
"Quite a story." - Ward8, 9 Jan 04.
"Looks veeeeerrrrrrry interesting!" - Barb, 19 Jan 04.
"YIKES! My image of Santa is crushed!
I found your story
very imaginative, to say the least. So is Santa gay, bi, bi-curious,
and was there really a Mrs. Santa Claus? I have soooo many questions.....
Maybe you can do a story on Mrs. Santa Claus and Laura Bush or
I must say it is also a disturbing read. Especially
when read while eating." - Barb, 19 Jan 04.
"I just got through reading it. I had my feet propped on my garbage
can here at work, getting into the story, and a co-worker comes in
and looks at me, bewildered. A very straight, married, religious
I thought while reading your story that this is
something so taboo, so wrong, but sooooo riveting! Very good, very
entertaining. " - Barb, 22 Jan 04.
"Ah, T bear, what can I say.....
You are one twisted individual.
That's why I like you. As you describe the surroundings in these
stories, these stories seem too real to be made up.
I applaud your
talent, and thank you for sharing. " - Barb, 27 Jan 04.
"Damn, these are long stories, but great! I'm gonna print this one
out for the train ride home. Thanks again, you are truly gifted." -
Barb, 28 Jan 04.
"You should publish your stories in a book, you know. Have 'em ready
to rent in the glory holes....lol. " - Barb, 4 Feb 04.
"You have a very active imagination, or you are very active, period!
Another great story, which I think is probably more non-fiction than
fiction. Thank you." - Barb, 12 Feb 04.
"hey good enough to get it up for a while and let me get it off" - Ward8,
12 Nov 04.
"Hey, thanks for the guestbook message and for sending me the link to your
own stories. They're really great. " - fratbear, 16 Nov 04.
"Hey there, Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed reading your
erotic bear stories. They were great. You've got a real
talent. I look forward to seeing what else you have in store." - Jack B.,
16 Nov 04.
"very cool....thanks...I'll bookmark it!" - Mike, 18 Nov. 04.
"Awesome story. I love how your stories have the "real" feel, that
tangibility about them. Makes it that much more erotic. " -
Jack, 22 Nov 04.
"I liked episode 3. It was pretty hot. Don't know if I could so
candidly talk about my own sex life with my dad like that, but from a purely
voyeristic view, very hot.
The Santa story, while had me going at
points (the whole rape/torture thing can be pretty hot in print and in person),
but the images of Santa, then the twist at the end... I found myself aroused,
but not sure that I should be, you know.
Keep up the great work." -
Jack, 29 Nov 04.
"I recently started a blog online and was then following links and found
your stories online. I have to say I thought they were great and will check them
all out when I get a chance. Thanks for writing such great stuff. " -
fordtruckbear, 14 Jan 05.
Hellishly Contagious Tiger Diarrhea really thought s/he was exposing some big, dark secret about me when s/he told you all about my erotic fiction blog. Unfortunately for him/her, my longtime readers remember that I told them about it a long, long time ago. That I write erotic fiction, or dark poetry, or like to post tacky pictures I find online, is irrelevant to this blog. The message exists independently of the messenger. The truth is, even if the one saying it is a flawed individual.
The rest of you, if you want to see it and are over 18, go here.
You cannot shame a man who has no secrets.
Got to the courthouse for jury duty yesterday. Waited in the hallway for an hour and a half to be called.
Then we were all herded into the courtroom and told the case was settled.
Unfortunately, I actually would have LIKED being on the jury for this one. From what I gathered, it was a condemnation/eminent domain case for a highway project. I think the decision for the state to steal the land had already been made, and the jury would have been given the task of determining fair compensation for the property owners.
If I'd been on the jury, I would have held out as long as I needed to in order to give the property owners whatever they asked for.
In a free society, fair value of something is whatever the OWNER of that something says it is.
How much money did the state spend to bring this to trial so they could get out of paying the owners their asking price?
If the owners had said they wanted a billion, I would have held out to give them a billion. But they had no way of knowing that, so they gave in to the unbearable pressure of the government and settled.
You know those times when you're going somewhere and when you get there, you don't remember portions of the trip? Maybe it's not just a memory error. Maybe you actually did skip them.
I think I encountered a spatial anomaly yesterday. Just in case we would get compensated for mileage to and from jury duty, I reset my trip odometer back to zero before leaving yesterday morning.
The distance from my driveway to my parking spot at the courthouse was 17.3 miles.
The distance from my parking spot back to my driveway, following the same route, was 17 miles.
This is not a case of a divided highway, where one direction may actually BE longer than the other. It's just a simple 2-lane rural highway.
Did I encounter a spatial anomaly?
Or is there another explanation?
As I understand physics and relativity, the closer a traveller travels to the speed of light, the shorter the distances become, not just as perceived but in actuality. On the trip TO the courthouse I was going maybe 45 mi/h, because it was about the time deer start to frolic along the roads. On the return trip, I was in a pack of cars that had just been let out of the courthouse, so I was going probably about 60, due to drafting help and the lessened risk of getting a ticket, because I was in the middle of the pack, not the front or the rear.
Is a fifteen mi/h difference enough to shorten a 17.3 mile trip to 17 miles? Or did I encounter a genuine spatial anomaly?
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
The Ides of March.
Sorry about no posts lately. This jury thing is kicking my mindset's ass. It's almost too hard keeping my head together long enough to remember that my underwear goes on the INSIDE of my pants.
So it'll be at least Monday before I post again, and if I don't post then, you'll know they snagged me.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Dear Al Lawson:
If you succeed in implementing a toilet paper tax, maybe the taxpayers of Florida should come to your house and wipe their asses on your curtains instead.
Can men live without their womenfolk?
George Michael. Elton John.
There, in four words, I have answered the question. I didn't need to produce a lame TV show to find out.
As an aside, in this example, I would wager the men could live without their womenfolk's housework a HELL of a lot better than the women could live without their menfolk's paychecks.
The EU are idiots.
I don't know what's worse, that they debated the deep, philosophical question "What is food?" at all, or the answers they found.
BRUSSELS (Reuters) - What is food? Chewing gum and mineral water qualify, EU experts say -- but not hallucinogenic mushrooms, live animals or an apple growing on a tree.
God, I hope nobody asks them a TRULY deep, philosophical question sometime, like "What is truth?"
You would like, what the French language fried a potato with it?
Outsourcing the drive-thru.
I would like a cheeseburger a happy meal with a pepper of system doctor.
Attorney, sue thyself.
The first paragraph of this story says it all.
Alton attorney Emert Wyss thought he could make money in a Madison County class action lawsuit, but he accidentally sued himself instead. Now he has four law firms after his money - and he hired all four.
Reap the rewards of dedicating your life to exploiting the misery of others, you soulless bastard.
No Green Beer For Me.
I have to report for jury duty on St. Patrick's Day.
"Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States or any place subject to their jurisdiction." U.S. Const. amend. XIII.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
USA Next: Theft of Intellectual Property is a Family Value.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
More from the Antifreedom Squad.
Proposed statewide ban on smoking in Arkansas restaurants.
Why do they hate freedom so much?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
How Would bin Laden Vote?
They're here in Missouri too.
HS newspaper editor fired over gay article.
Shut up, bitch. Nobody wants to hear your idiocy.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Disney casts a wide net.
Target audience? Preteen girls, NASCAR fans and Gen-X-ers.
If I hadn't been forced to give up moviegoing due to back problems, the sad thing is, I'd go see this.
Maybe even before I'd go see Revenge of the Sith.
Gotta find some way of gettin' me a DVD player before these two come out on video.
Cooter/Enos/Bo Duke Threeway.
It seems Arkanssouri readers have about as much love for Luke Duke as they have for Coy and Vance, 'cuz he didn't get any votes either.
Bo, Cooter, and Enos are all knotted up with 33% each, so I am exercising Blogmaster's Prerogative and breaking the tie.
Arkanssouri readers choose:
Gummint Cheese #44
Friday, March 04, 2005
They said "NO!"
At first they barked their refusal. And then, on a historic day comemorated by my species and fully documented in the secret scrolls, there came an Ape called Aldo, who didn't bark. He articulated. He spoke a word which had been spoken to him, time without number, by Humans. He said 'No'.
-Cornelius, Escape from the Planet of the Apes.
Star, Star, Star . . .
You fell right into their trap:
But the lawyers are insulting Star, because their argument only makes sense if the public could actually mistake DeBarge for her. They seem to be saying their client resembles an overweight, 6-foot-tall drag queen.
Here's a simple way to tell the difference: The drag queen is the one who looks less like a drag queen.
Headline of the Day.
A little gift...
Gummint Cheese #43
I may have incorrectly maligned corn whiskey. It seems the problem lies with the non-diet Mountain Dew I drank that day in conjunction with the corn whiskey.
Yesterday was a royal pain in the ass trying to get on the Internet from the library. I gave up.
Lock up your children. Martha's out.
I have the most organized mess in existence in my room. I alternate between being a slob and being an obsessive-compulsive about organization. All the junk that was scattered all over my bedroom floor is now organized in beer boxes and stacked along the wall to the ceiling. Tiny celebrated the occasion by crapping on the floor last night while I was asleep.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Missouri State University.
Not like the state government had anything better to do than concentrate on a cosmetic, trivial thing like this.
I mean, it's not like arsonists have gotten away with torching the house of a man in Springfield for being gay and the police didn't do a damn thing about it.
And it's not like every household in Missouri exists under the threat of eminent domain, is it?
And it's not like there are three missing women so far unaccounted for in Springfield.
Oh wait, it IS like that.
Return of the buffalo.
Harry Potter's way ahead of these guys.
I don't know what this picture has to do with invisibility,
Stephens, Barton: Enemies of Liberty with '-R's after their names..
I wonder what the "lesser of two evils" types have to say about this.
The reason government claims it can regulate speech on broadcast channels is that it owns the frequencies, after appropriating them from the marketplace decades ago. It has no such ownership of cable delivery systems, or of subscription satellite radio.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
A moment in the life of the (alleged) BTK killer.
Chairman Winters said, "Is Dennis Rader, Bob Scott or Pam Bauer here this morning? Come right on up to the podium please. Sedgwick County Clerk, Susan Crockett-Spoon will swear you in to this position."
Ms. Susan Crockett-Spoon, County Clerk, said, "Dennis, I am going to read the affirmation and if you will say, so help me God, afterwards. Raise your right hand please.
'I do solemnly swear that I will support the Constitution of the United States, and the Constitution of the State of Kansas and faithfully discharge the duties of the Office of Animal Control Advisory Board, so help me God.'"
Mr. Dennis Rader responded, "So help me God."
Ms. Crockett-Spoon said, "This is your certificate and we appreciate your service. Thank you very much."
Chairman Winters said, "Yes, Mr. Rader, thanks very much. We do appreciate, a great deal, the input of citizens on advisory boards and committees and we appreciate your willingness to work in this capacity."
Mr. Rader said, "Thank you very much Commisioners."
Chairman Winters said, "Thank you. Next item please."
SCOTUS ends juvenile death penalty.
From myway news via drudge:
High Court Ends Death Penalty for Youths
Mar 1, 10:12 AM (ET)
By HOPE YEN
WASHINGTON (AP) - The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that the Constitution forbids the execution of killers who were under 18 when they committed their crimes, ending a practice used in 19 states.
The 5-4 decision throws out the death sentences of about 70 juvenile murderers and bars states from seeking to execute minors for future crimes.
The executions, the court said, were unconstitutionally cruel.
Apparently the Supreme Court is under the impression that an act's cruelty resides not in the act, but in the age of the person acted upon.
It's very simple. When a murderer kills, he is saying that he wants to live in a society where killing is an acceptable way of achieving one's goals. So he cannot then claim that it is wrong for the government to kill him.
You kill, you should die, whether you're 17, 45, or 104.
Someone on ebay . . .
Is it any wonder . . .
. . . that so many people are afraid of clowns?
Don't ask, don't tell.
What, no sweater-vests?
HP rips off inkjet customers.
That is the most complete thought I can form at the moment.
For some reason, every night at bedtime I get a toothache, so I have a nightcap of Jim Beam or Evan Williams, letting the offending tooth soak in a shot of the whiskey for about a minute or so before swallowing. It works pretty well.
But last night I ran out of Evan, and when I went to the liquor store I decided to change things up a bit, so I got this instead.
But the good news is it killed the toothache, and when I finish the bottle I'll have a nifty little coin bank to keep dimes in (that's all that will fit in the opening.)
Throb, throb, throb. Stupid Missouri distillers.
Maybe I should confine myself to mimosas and peach daiquiris.