The Arkanssouri Blog.
WARNING! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants!
Friday, December 31, 2004
New blog alert!
I found this over the past few days. The next time I update my blogroll, I'm gonna add it.
R, R, R . . .
F--k the "Spirit of the Law".
I say give this man a medal and a job in the government! We need more innovative thinkers like him!
Man Said to Use Compressor on DUI Device
Wed Dec 29, 5:21 PM ET
BUCKINGHAM, Pa. - A man is accused of using an air compressor to defeat an ignition interlock device.
Michael Simo, 41, had the device installed in his car after being convicted of multiple drunken driving offenses. Drivers are supposed to exhale into the device, and if it detects enough alcohol on the breath, the car won't start. Police said Simo used an air compressor to make it seem like he was breathing into the device.
Brian Raab, 39, of Buckingham, who also has a history of DUI offenses, was driving Simo's car when an officer found the two at a parking lot near Raab's home.
"I've never heard of somebody doing something like that before," Sgt. J.R. Landis of Buckingham police said. "These types of (devices) can be defeated. It's just a question of how far people are willing to go."
Raab declined to comment; Simo does not have a listed phone number.
Who writes this stuff?
How will little Sugar Pie eat?
To the nice gentleman who found his way here to the Arkanssouri Blog by googling the term "Carl Edwards shirtless" let me express my sadness that you didn't find what you were looking for here. I tried to make it up to you by doing an image search for a shirtless Carl Edwards, and I would have posted it for you, but no such image could be found.
No such luck on "Terry LaBonte shirtless" either. Sigh.
As for the "couple swapping photo blog" googler, maybe you should try the blogs of my friend Callie and her wife Kevin. [Heh, heh, heh. That'll really piss them off.]
And you, "sex blog Arkansas" guy, email me.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Note the adoring gaze . . .
Headline of the day.
The city is as tasty as a bowl of bibimbap.
I have no idea what it's about, either.
How long 'til the Left wants to ban potatoes?
Potatoes don't kill people. People kill people.
"Toss my potato salad, beeyatch!"
From the Cleveland Plain Dealer:
Laser pointed at plane
Thursday, December 30, 2004
John CanigliaPlain Dealer Reporter
The FBI wants to know who pointed a powerful laser into the cockpit of a commercial airliner Monday as it descended toward Cleveland Hopkins International Airport.
Agents say the green laser came from a Warrensville Heights neighborhood near Randall Park Mall as the plane traveled 300 mph at 8,500 to 10,000 feet. Pilots were not affected. The plane landed safely. The FBI refused to name the airline. But The Plain Dealer learned it was a Continental Airlines flight. A Continental representative referred calls to the FBI.
"We don't know if it was a prank or if someone was trying to do something illegal," said FBI agent Robert Hawk. "We just want to know what happened and why."
The case is the latest in a series of lasers pointed at planes and helicopters across the country. The FBI said several instances have been reported this year, though no planes were affected.
In Colorado Springs, Colo., Monday night, two pilots reported green pulsating laser lights shined into their cockpits. Both the passenger plane and a cargo plane landed without problems.
A memo sent to law enforcement agencies recently by the FBI and the Homeland Security Department says there is evidence that terrorists have explored using lasers to blind pilots during landing approaches, the Associated Press reported.
Fred Szabo, commissioner of Hopkins, said a laser has been aimed at an aircraft in Cleveland at least once before, but he would not provide details.
The Federal Aviation Administration has found hundreds of cases in which lasers have been pointed at planes since 1997, according to an agency report. In April 2003, the FBI said in a report that lasers are being pointed at planes "at an alarming rate."
"Illumination by a laser beam at night can distract pilots and even cause fatalities if it occurs during a critical phase in the flight," the report said.
On Monday, the plane left Washington, D.C., for Cleveland. At 7:50 p.m., the pilot noticed the beam, which streamed into the cockpit, the FBI said. The plane was about 15 miles from Hopkins and well into its descent.
Authorities said simple lasers, such as those used in office presentations, usually aren't strong enough to be seen 10,000 feet above ground. But others used in construction surveying and the building trades are.
With the Internet, it is not difficult to find lasers to buy. One company peddles a product that tells consumers to use with "extreme caution, as people miles away will be able to see the beam and its origin."
Anyone with information on these incidents should call the FBI at 216-522-1400.
Freud would have a field day.
It is a warm, rainy late-spring night, and it is my birthday. My mother decides to hire me a (presumably female) prostitute for the night, and we head north on highway 63 to Mammoth to pick her up at the motel, but decide to stop in at Fred's Fish House for a birthday dinner first.
Fred's isn't in it's usual location. It is where the motel should be, but we are not concerned. The interior of the restaurant is dimly-lit with a certain shriner/lodge feel to it. The seating is high-school cafeteria style. A woman and her young daughter sit across from me. I have never met her before, but she seems familiar with me, and somehow I know she is a former waitress here at the restaurant.
I order a burger, salad and some sausage patties. An unremarkable waitress brings them. They are huge, both in the size of the pieces and in the total amount. From a pitcher, she pours either tea or syrup on the sausage. What's worse, the more I eat of them, the bigger it gets. I ask for a take-home box because I know I can't eat all of it, and I have a "friend" waiting, remember. The waitress goes to the kitchen and doesn't return for a really long time.
"If I'd known it was going to take this long, I'd have just skipped it," I remark to the woman sitting across from me.
"What you have to understand is," she says, "there are a lot of people here and she's doing her best to take care of them all."
Finally she returns with my take-home box. It is very small. I cram as much of my food in it as I can, but there is not enough room. The small child smashes my food flat so it will fit. I can even put the remainder of my mother's large hot dog she had been eating (are you listening, Sigmund?) in with it. I ask for the check.
The waitress tells me my part of the check is thirty-something dollars.
At this point I wake up. It is just after five AM, December 30th. My birthday is about twenty days away, not in late spring. I live north of Mammoth Spring, not south. Fred's Fish House is where it's always been. And I have no use for a prostitute.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Is bin Laden the enemy? Is al-Zarqawi?
(And it's NOT "Why Does CNN Insist On Using The Term 'Tsunami Disaster'? Isn't 'disaster' kind of inherent in 'tsunami'?")
Where are all the dead animals?
Can't Touch This.
Hammer Named To Hall of Fame.
I guess he's 2 Legit 2 Quit.
But why is it the Florida Women's Hall of Fame?
Reggie White, Rest in Hell.
It's good to see I'm not the only one sick of all the one-sided, postmortem, whitewashed accolades the sports press is giving Reggie White.
"Santa Claus Will Bring You Arms."
Damn. I missed my chance to bid on this.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Three Men Holding Hands.
For those of you who scan headlines and don't read the stories.
My friend Mr. Hanna emailed me this over the holidays:
YMCA Chief Fired For Transgender Ball Flap.
Some days these things write themselves.
Unanimously, Arkanssouri readers have declared Bernard Kerik a Studmuffin.
Today I put up a new candidate for Studmuffin status. Vote for his studmuffinery (or lack thereof) today.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
I had to briefly interrupt my hiatus to bring you the following from the Missouri Association of Teachers of English Blog:
Welcome to the Missouri Association of Teachers of English blog. This is a place to keep track of recent events and to discuss with other teachers onlin.
Karen and Pete. Here is a help page that will assist you with creating and maintaining this page.
Sad that the MAO-TOE know neither spelling nor comma usage.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Going on hiatus 'til after the first. Combination of things -- seasonal depression and expected sucky weather. Nothing a good two-week stay-at-home drunk won't fix.
I expect my Gmail Bulk Mail folder to have at least two thousand spams when I get back.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Put up the Kwanzaa Shrub yesterday.
Yeah, it's a little early, but I wanted to get it over with. At first it was decorated with toy scorpions and squid that I received this year in several Chicken Strip Wacky Packs at Sonic, but the proportions weren't right (the shrub's only 3.5 feet tall; they would have worked on a full-sized shrub). So this morning I went to Wal-Mart and got some small silver fertility symbols to hang on it, a star to put on the top, and some blue and silver snowflake garlands to wrap around it.
It all reflects the fiber optics nicely. Too bad it's not pink and aluminum.
Towels do not an army make.
You will remember this, which I incorrectly identified as an Army recruitment ad. It is in actuality an ad for Canon towels.
I would have known that if I wasn't a stupid, stupid man.
[bangs head on table.]
Stupid stupid stoopid!!!
[bang bang bang!]
Friday, December 17, 2004
I'm not the only one who believes in the Kwanzaa Bunny!
The following is racist. It is also funny as hell.
It comes from here.
'Twas the night before Kwanzaa, and all through the hood
The Negroes were restless and up to no good
Lookouts were posted at each corner with care
To alert all the crack-dens if Po-Leece came t .
Fumes of Mad Dog and weed floated strong through the air
While addicts shot smack with nary a care
Children had braided their cornrows real tight
In hopes the Kwanzaa bunny would visit that night.
The Crips and the Bloods made their holiday peace
Vowing in common to F*** the Po-Leece!
I'm dreaming of a green, leafy Xmas.
The Kwanzaa Bunny is pissed.
The Kwanzaa Bunny was going to buy presents for my friend Callie and her wife Kevin yesterday. As all good Kwanzaaians know, a present isn't a success unless the recipient is left feeling confused and a little frightened.
So the Kwanzaa Bunny planned on getting Callie a bag of the little green toy soldiers all little boys had growing up and getting Kevin some girly barrettes with butterflies or kittens on them.
But, alas. The Kwanzaa Bunny could not find any little green soldiers. There were some that were like twenty times too big and came in a package of five, but five soldiers, no matter how large, do not an army make. And those were made in Red China.
So the Kwanzaa Bunny won't be giving presents this year. He will be getting drunk instead.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Dear Santa Claus,
I'll quit ripping on you if you bring me one of these for Xmas.
Saturnalia begins tomorrow!
Happy Saturnalia, everyone!
Santa vs. The Drunk
From the Sun-Sentinel:
Witnesses say cab driver fired shots at drunken passenger
By Peter Franceschina
December 16, 2004
To one of the witnesses looking out her apartment window, taxi cab driver Robert Smiley -- with his long white hair, white beard and big belly -- looked a little like Santa Claus. [Maybe because he IS.]
Except that Smiley was screaming at his passenger to get out of his cab and zapping him with a stun gun before he pulled a pistol and fired several times.
The details come from police reports and witness statements prosecutors released Wednesday in their first-degree murder case against Smiley.
The Nov. 6 shooting, shortly after 4 a.m., came after employees of the Palm Beach Ale House on Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard called a taxi for a drunken patron, Jimmie Morningstar, records show.
Smiley, 56, showed up, but Morningstar, 43, wouldn't get in the cab. Meanwhile, Morningstar had called police because another patron had opened the pub's front door and hit him in the head.
Two West Palm Beach police officers talked to Morningstar, and someone called another cab. Smiley returned and accepted $10 to take Morningstar to his Executive Center Drive apartment.
Minutes later, shouts roused four people in an apartment overlooking the parking lot.
"The cab driver kept yelling, `Get out. Get out. I have to make my money,'" witness Lakeisha Anderson told police.
The witnesses saw the cab driver use a stun gun on the passenger, who screamed the first few times he was shocked. Then the cab driver was able to get the passenger out of the car and close the rear passenger door. The driver started to get into the cab, but the passenger opened the front door on the other side to step in.
"And I heard [the driver] say, `You think I'm playing with you? You think I'm playing with you?'" witness Sylvia Alexander Clarke said. "And I heard him say, `Do you want me to kill you? Do you want me to? Do you want to die?'"
The witnesses said the cab driver fired a gun at the ground near the passenger's feet. By then, they had called 911.
More shots rang out. The witnesses saw the driver throw some items out of the cab and speed off, burning rubber. Police found Morningstar in the parking lot with two gunshot wounds to the torso.
Police quickly identified the Yellow Cab and its driver. Palm Beach Gardens police pulled over Smiley about 5 a.m.
Smiley told police he dropped Morningstar off, then admitted he used a stun gun on him.
When police told him witnesses said they saw him shoot Morningstar, Smiley wouldn't talk anymore. Clarke identified the cab driver, whom she said looked like Santa Claus, as Smiley in a photo lineup. He's charged with first-degree murder and faces life in prison or the death penalty if convicted. His public defender could not be reached for comment.
Peter Franceschina can be reached at email@example.com or 561-832-2894.
If you see it in the Sun-Sentinel, it's so.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Hmmm . . .
Should we be worried?
Maybe this guy's got noble intentions.
Or maybe he's a perv who likes to be groped by children.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Ho ho ho, muthaf---er!!!
Put that thing away!
Elton vs. George Michael.
My money's on George.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Santa beats up 74-year-old woman.
Is that a bullet you're holding?
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Actual recruitment ad.
Kerik: I'm too sexy for this job.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damndamndamn.
He was the perfect storm of sexiness, caused by the convergence of masculinity, confidence and a fireman's uniform.
Since Ari left, the Bush Administration has been critically lacking in sex appeal. And it looks like it's gonna stay that way.
In Case You're Interested . . .
This was in my inbox this morning:
THE MISSOURI VIPERS WOMENS PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM LOCATED IN
SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI IS HOLDING TRYOUTS ON DECEMBER 12 AT 1:30 PM.
PARTICIPANTS MUST BE AT LEAST 18 YEARS OF AGE. NO EXPERIENCE
NECESSARY, WE WILL TRAIN. ADMINISTRATION FEE IS $40.00 AT SIGN-UP.
WEAR WARM COMFORTABLE CLOTHING AND TENNIS SHOES OR CLEATS. NO
EQUIPMENT NECESSARY AT TRYOUTS. SIZE DOES NOT MATTER. FOR MORE
INFORMATION PLEASE EMAIL US AT MISSOURIVIPERS@AOL.COM. WE ARE ALSO
LOOKING FOR CHEERLEADERS THAT ARE ABLE TO TRAVEL AND ARE BETWEEN THE
AGES OF 15-18. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Happy Birthday, Hoss.
Jolly old dope fiend.
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - Santa Claus brought an unusual gift for
some Rio schoolchildren this holiday season -- a bag of marijuana.
Police in the Brazilian city said two teenagers were spotted selling
Santa dolls at the entrance of a municipal school next to a slum not far from
the city center.
The dolls opened up like Easter eggs, each containing sweets and a small
plastic bag of marijuana.
The suspects abandoned 24 dolls and ran away into the slum when police came
to arrest them.
Rio's teeming slums are notorious for the drugs trade. Drug
gangs often use young children as foot soldiers and pushers.
Santa is nice enough to bring people candy.
And you thought that powder was snow.
I am a riddle inside an enigma wrapped up in a Christmas bow.
Given my disdain for Christmas, why do I like blasting Manheim Steamroller and Trans-Siberian Orchestra in my car stereo?
Thursday, December 09, 2004
The Violent Flying Santa & His Boyfriend.
Santa flies through bar, hits woman, boyfriend charged.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Callie, Callie, Callie.
From AP News via MyWay:
Someone Breaks Into House, Turns Up Heat
Dec 2, 5:29 PM (ET)
HARBORCREEK, Pa. (AP) - An Erie County homeowner returned from a Florida visit to even warmer climes - his house, where police say someone had broken in and had turned up the man's thermostat all the way.
Whoever broke into Paul Rogala's Harborcreek Township home did so by forcing open a basement window. The person then used duct tape to cover a hole in the window - but before leaving, turned up the thermostat and turned on the furnace fan so it was running constantly, state police said.
Rogala turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees when he left Nov. 20 for the visit to 80-degree Florida. He and his family returned Monday, police said.
The house was not otherwise ransacked or disturbed, and nothing appeared to be stolen, Rogala said Wednesday.
You would have thought Miss Callie would have learned better last time.
70's Porn Star.
I shaved off my beard yesterday, leaving a goatee . . . and sideburns that go all the way to my chin. I look like a porn star from the disco era.
'Tis The Season for Falling Bodies . . .
Woman falls to death in shopping mall
12:06 AEDT Wed Dec 8 2004
A woman fell to her death from the top floor of a Canberra shopping mall, landing next to young children who were visiting Santa Claus.
Police said there was no suspicious circumstances surrounding the fall which occurred at about 2pm (AEDT) on Tuesday at Westfield Belconnen.
The woman landed on the ground floor near the centre stage area of the mall where Santa was entertaining children.
Staff at stores near the centre stage said they heard a loud bang and screams after the woman fell.
"I heard the screams and saw people running to see what happened," Donna, who works in a mobile telephone store, said.
One retail worker who saw the fall was too upset to talk about it.
"It's not something I really want to think about it," he said.
Police said anyone who witnessed the incident and required counselling should call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Santa? That lady fall down, go boom.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
More beautiful, less abomination
Santa's been naughty.
From the Winston-Salem Journal:
Man dressed as Santa arrested on sex charges
FARMINGTON - A Rutherford County man dressed as Santa Claus was arrested Sunday on allegations that he inappropriately touched a child, the Davie County Sheriff's Office said.
Zay Harold Jones, 73, who said that his occupation is Santa Claus, was charged with taking indecent liberties with a mi-nor, Sheriff Al-len Whitaker said. Jones' listed aliases are Santa Claus and Kris Kringle.
A Forest City girl accused Jones of "touching her where he shouldn't have" while they were driving together to a Santa workshop in Greensboro. Jones was ful-ly dressed in a Santa Claus outfit when the incident is alleged to have happened.
Whitaker said that the girl, who is a middle-school student, then asked Jones to pull over into a rest area in Davie County. The girl told rest-area personnel that she had been touched inappropriately and the authorities were called, Whit-a-ker said.
Jones was held in the Davie County Detention Center with bond set at $25,000. His court date is Dec. 16.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Santa Claus drops baby on its head!
Sobbing Santa quits after dropping baby on grotto floor
A DISTRAUGHT Santa Claus resigned after dropping a baby on its head in a Christmas grotto.
Ten-month-old Connor Atkins burst into tears after the accident at a shopping centre in Wigan - followed by Father Christmas.
Santa, a 65-year-old former postman whose identity is being withheld, took the role to help keep his mind occupied after his wife died.
Connor had his picture taken with Santa who then held the baby for his mother Linda, 18, to pick up. But she turned away and Connor fell, bumping his head on the grotto floor.
The baby was given an X-ray as a precaution, but suffered only bruising. Santa apologised to the mother, but after hearing the child had been taken to hospital, was overcome with emotion.
After considering his position, he decided he could not continue in the job and handed in his sack, white beard and Santa suit.
"Santa is distraught. He was recommended to us and was a good Santa," said John Hill of Flair Seasonal Promotions, his employer.
"He was loving it. Now he has gone to bits. He won't answer the phone.
"He thinks people think badly of him. But the child is fine - it was just an accident."
Friday, December 03, 2004
Celebrity Deathmatch: Santa vs. Frankenstein.
My money's on Santa.
He's got a longer rap sheet.
Hmmm. . .
With the leak that Bernard Kerik had been named Homeland Security Secretary, I planned to post a picture of him and another of Ari Fleischer and ask who's sexier?
(Answer, Kerik, by a longshot.)
But among the pics of Ari, I found an old school one and noticed something.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
How does Santa know if you've been bad or good?
By stealing your mail!
Me, I'm placing my faith in the Kwanzaa Bunny and the Solstice Fairy.
Every Winter Solstice, the Kwanzaa Bunny begins his long, hopping journey all over the world, breaking into toy stores and eating toys so he can poop them out in the stockings of good little boys and girls all over the world. On the 24th, he picks up the Solstice Fairy, who looks fabulous in a black and thistle ensemble, and sprinkles his fairy seed on the sleeping people to make sure they don't wake up. Those children who have been bad get a stocking full of Bunny Poop, topped off with a CD single from Jewel, which they must play every day until the next Solstice if they are to even be considered for toys that year instead of Bunny Poop.
Once they have filled the stockings, the Kwanzaa Bunny and the Solstice Fairy hop to the next house. When they are finished, they return to San Francisco, their home base, and redecorate their townhouses.
--- From Bunny Poop and Fairy Seed, page 69.
There's no need to fear, Underdog is here.
When criminals in this world appear,
And break the laws that they should fear,
And frighten all who see or hear,
The cry goes up both far and near for
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder,
Fighting all who rob or plunder
When in this world the headlines read
Of those who's hearts are filled with greed
And rob and steal from those in need.
To right this wrong with blinding speed goes
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder,
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Big surprise there.
So Giambi used steroids.
So? If we're going to ban athletes from using performance enhancements, when do we start banning laser eye surgery? Knee surgery? Weight rooms?
At least this article, unlike most I've seen, differentiates between steroids and hGh.
Blogger problems yesterday.
Good thing I didn't have much to say. There was this:
which you will notice I am forced to steal bandwidth to display. I hate doing that, but MOREnet is forcing me to, because it won't let me go to the site to bring up the picture so I can save it and upload it to Flickr. Even anonymizer won't let me see the page.
MOREnet may not let me see it even in one of my own posts, so let me know if it shows up, somebody.
I just hope MOREnet doesn't block me from my own blog for this.